Everyday struggles

I am a very emotional person. My emotions cause me to feel with such an intensity that I tend to burst at the seams. I get angry and over think too quickly. I cry easily, not always because I am sad, rather as an outlet to express my emotions. Getting a handle on my emotions is an everyday struggle. I try to be a better person then I was the day before. I try to make small changes everyday. I’ve come to learn that everything doesn’t need an emotional reaction. It has been a lesson that has come with costs. Trying not to have an emotional reaction to everything is unbelievably hard for me. I find myself apologizing for outbursts and being in my head way too often. I find myself slipping into old patterns. Certain people, situations, and music bring me into those patterns.

I get overwhelmed because I want to change so much of my life. I am not happy with where I am at in life. It is not what I envisioned for myself and I’m finding I try to change too many things at once. I feel like this is something we all do. We all get to the point of wanting a change. We make an effort and get overwhelmed because we bite off more than we can chew. So we find ourselves going back to what is familiar. Old habits, laziness, making excuses and so much more. We all sell ourselves short and when someone who loves us brings it to our attention we attack. We feel attacked and I know I don’t like to hear the truth when I am not ready for it, so I lash out. I make excuses and turn the blame on the other person. I’ve made people feel guilty and made them feel like it was their fault. I have been too scared to admit my faults, too scared to admit I have more potential than I am seeing, too scared to accept someones concern. I have had that done to me repeatedly.

Why is it so hard to hear the truth? Why do we push people away when we don’t want to accept the truth? Why do we blame others? Why do we fight? We have emotional reactions when they are not warranted. When we aren’t able to accept that someone else loves us more than we love ourselves. Someone else is willing to push us to be the best version of ourselves. I know I beat myself up all the time. I am too hard on myself. I have a hard time accepting help. Yet when I care about someone and try to help them and push them I tend to not take no for answer. I will push and push. I will let myself be attacked by them because I care. I find myself apologizing because I care. It is a vicious cycle.

How do I stop it? How do we all come to see this behavior in ourselves and accept help. How do we stop the cycle? My only solution today is to continue to try to be better than the day before. To think before reacting. To observe, hear, and process before we react. To keep in mind not everything warrants an emotional response. Try to remember that someone might be pushing you because they see you differently than you see yourself. Try to accept corrective criticism and help.

Yesterday I was wallowing in my own self pity of my emotions getting the best of me. I am so tired of that happening. I am struggling to be better, kinder, and more accepting. I am struggling to let go of toxic situations and people. I am working on becoming better. I am trying. We all need to accept that others are doing the same. We need to be patient and receive patience in return.

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