Death is the subject no one wants to talk about. It is final, inevitable, and my biggest fear. It is unknown and I think that is what scares me the most. The unknown. Trying to write this post has been very difficult for me. I am facing the incredibly hard task of saying goodbye to someone I love.

Death has a way of making you reflect on your life. I am no stranger to death or losing someone. I’ve watched others grieve the loss of loved ones and handle it admirably. I do not handle death well. I, Madelyn, am an over thinker. I constantly let my mind and emotions get the best of me. Being faced with the task of saying my final goodbye to my Grandmother has been harder than I imagined.

I lost my Grandfather 8 years ago this April. When things got to this point with him I removed myself from the situation. I kept telling myself that I would go see him tomorrow or when I could keep myself and my emotions together. I regret waiting until the last minute to go and see him. I told myself this time I would not make that same mistake this time.

I have been trying to go see my Grandmother as much as I can. It’s hard for me to watch someone who used to help take care of me not be able to take care of herself. She has made the decision to face death with her head held high. She is welcoming death like an old friend rather than running scared. I find it admirable. I do not know if I could do the same thing.

Death scares me to no end. We all have our own theories as to what happens when we die. What actually happens no one knows until it is their turn. The unknown…as I mentioned earlier. That is what terrifies me. I’d like to think we are all the same in this aspect. We all fear the unknown. I don’t know if I will ever be able to wrap my head around ceasing to exist in this world. The thought of being here and then suddenly not.

We all think we have time. Time to travel, time for fun, time for whatever down the road. We work ourselves to the bone and we get stressed out over ridiculous things. I find myself constantly stressed over money, over things I can not change. That is a problem, thinking we have this time. Time is not guaranteed and none of us truly know how much we have. I’ve spent a great deal of time over the past few weeks contemplating time.

I find myself turning to the same message in every blog. Growing, changing, welcoming what life gives you and making the best of it. This has been something I have tried to keep in mind everyday and with every decision I make. Being positive. Being positive in the matter of death has been unrealistically hard. All of this thinking and over thinking has my mind all over the place. I fear I will waste my time waiting to live. Waiting to have memories, making excuses and putting things off. I want more from life. I don’t want to stress over petty things. I don’t want to wait.

I’ve been told I am more of a free spirit. While from time to time I see certain things in more of a black or white fashion. I want to live my life with my free spirited nature shinning proudly through. I don’t want to face death with regrets because I thought I had more time. I want to achieve my small goals I’ve set for my life. I want to make a difference in someone else’s life. I want to be able to welcome the unknown as fearless and with my head held high like those I love before me.

I will probably never get better at handling saying that final goodbye to someone I love. Knowing that I will eventually forget the sound of their voice and that my life will continue without them. I can however hold them in my heart forever and live my life in a way that makes me happy.

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