Birthday Blues…

I’m two weeks shy of turning 30 and to say this month has been an emotional roller coaster would be an understatement. I have been having the typical existential crisis of, “Oh my god, I’m 30!” You know how you used to think 30 was old and you’d be an adult by now? Let’s all take a moment to laugh at that please. I have been laughing, crying and all over the map with my feelings about this birthday. 29 was supposed to be my golden year and it was awful. It was one of the hardest years. Now saying that, I must also say that 29 had some of the greatest experiences of my life. I got to share so much with my niece. I went to Hawaii. I got my first house. But as I sit here writing this I am still wrestling with how to let go of my 20’s without feeling like I am missing something.

My twenties were a tough decade. You learn so much in your twenties. You learn how to drink responsibly, well hopefully, you do. You grow into being an adult. You learn hard lessons in love, work, and friendship. You learn about yourself and the person you are becoming. You’re supposed to have fun in your twenties, and while I had a lot of fun, I also had a lot of tough lessons. I thought I would accomplish big things. I’ve always had these big hopes and dreams for myself. I want to make something of myself. Make a difference. I thought I would be further along in my professional accomplishments. What I ended up getting from my 20’s was personal growth. Which is VERY important, but not something you can visualize. I’ve been feeling as if the only thing I truly managed to accomplish was surviving.
I survived surgery after surgery. I survived my heart-stopping. I survived feeling as if I had a death sentence, and the odds were stacked against me. I survived toxic relationships, platonic and romantic. I survived situational depression and anxiety. I survived all the tough shit thrown my way. So, the last few weeks as I’ve cried about not being where I wanted to be in life. I’ve done the ONE thing I always preach not to do. I have been comparing myself to others. To their accomplishments in their twenties, and I’ve felt like a total loser. I’ve cried about it to family and friends. They all had the same thing to say, “Stop being so hard on yourself. You had a much different set of challenges in your twenties. They weren’t typical.” I know, I know I shouldn’t be so hard on myself, but sometimes it happens. I must be hard on myself to an extent, because if not, then I have no driving force to continue to better myself. I never want to be content. I always want to be the best version of myself.

On these days that I am harder on myself, which has been the whole month of June so far. I look for “signs” or words elsewhere to help me focus. Today I was feeling blah and decided to browse Instagram to distract myself. One of the accounts I follow for some daily inspiration and self-love popped up. And before we judge, everyone could use some daily self-love and inspiration.

There it was, right in front of me. On my screen is what I have been told, what I know deep down, but for some reason, it all just CLICKED today. Upon reading this, I felt the need to get it all out. I haven’t been writing despite many people encouraging me and begging me to write. With the way this year has been going, it has been hard to find inspiration or the desire to write. Well, not just this year but all of 29. My 29th birthday was a fun night and filled with so much love. I was beyond happy, but weeks into it…it went to shit. It started like this…

Lots of smiles and sake. Then somewhere along the way my heart happened, yet again. 6 months in looked a lot like this…

Oxygen, stress test, lots of lab work, many EKGs, many medications, and my sanity later. I not only dealt with physical anguish and limitations but emotional and mental distress. I went through a lot this year, more than open heart surgery and my pacemaker surgery. I dealt with more unknown than ever before. I made difficult decisions for my future regarding my health, and I’ve come to terms with there being no real answers. Ticking time bomb echoes in my head EVERY DAY! All of this made me take the next step into becoming the person I am meant to be. I am more grounded and comfortable with myself than EVER before. While I do still clearly have self-doubt and feel under accomplished, it is helping push me into my thirties with a strong desire to accomplish more than you know. While I am proud of myself for all I continue to overcome, because I have been given more than many people could handle, I plan on becoming some I can really be proud of.

I keep thinking back about so much I would change. I’ve written a lot lately, but haven’t been able to push publish. I’ve been reflecting on how I got here and how I did my best, I probably could’ve done better at times, but I did what I had the capability to do. I am still most likely going to cry during my birthday weekend, but I am ready for 30. I am embracing this new decade. I am ready for more. I am ready to forgive myself for my failures and take on new challenges. I’m ready to push publish.

Mainly, I am just ready to get out of town for a few days.

Dating dilemmas…

How does one date exactly? The last time I was single for a long period of time was when I was 17-19 years old. See I have this thing where I believe in monogamy. Apparently that’s uncommon these days. I have spent all of my twenties in 2 very serious relationships. Now that I’ve been single for an extended period of time and I’ve gone through the healing process from heartache. I am finally feeling comfortable being alone. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I miss companionship or feel lonely, but I finally feel okay with being a single. I am comfortable with who I am and being alone. I know what I want from someone else. Getting to this point has made me realize that I am ready to date but what is dating now?

We’re living in a world where you have apps that you can make a profile to put your best pictures on and list what you consider your best attributes for others to decide if they want to give you the time of day or not. Majority of the time all that is for is to hook up. I feel like I have an old school outlook on dating because the thought of downloading tinder or going online to a dating site is the exact opposite of what I personally feel I should be doing. The whole casual sex thing is just not for me. I’m too old for all that nonsense and drama. I’m not trying to get any kind of STD. I’m not trying to get involved repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable.

So how does one date in a world where hooking up is the norm? I have watched my friends get rejected and I’ve listened to their stories of “I thought we had a good time and I haven’t heard from him.” There is this delicate balance of being available but not too available. The constant should I text them first? But you don’t want to because you don’t want to seem too needy. Why is it crazy to be interested and vocalize your interest? Why is there this game that has to be played? What happened to being open and honest about what you’re wanting? It’s exhausting 😩. If I’m paying you attention then I’m interested. Why can’t it be that simple?! Currently I can’t figure out the answer to any of these as I contemplate texting someone. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I get a little cynical when it comes to dating because of failed relationships and because of what I witness my friends go through. I think to myself, ” That is it! I’m never getting married. I’m comfortable alone and I’m going to become the crazy lady with a ton of dogs!” I lose faith in relationships because everyone seems to be so emotionally unavailable. Then my faith gets restored every time I’m around my sister and brother in law. I could not have hand picked someone better for my sister. Kyle constantly restores my faith in men and makes my cynicism fade away. I keep telling myself that there’s some one like Kyle out there for me. I’ll find a partner to compliment me in all the right ways one day. I keep getting told, “it happens when you least it expect it. Don’t go looking for it.” So I mind my own business and keep myself busy. Not actively looking for that someone. Then I have the same people telling me, “put yourself out there. Date.” Umm those statements seem to be conflicting if you ask me.

I have insecurities. I am human and I can not control it. They are there and I focus on them despite knowing I shouldn’t. Everyone has insecurities. I know majority of the time I’m the only one that notices mine but when you’re attracted to someone else, LORDDD! All I can think is “oh he’s going to think my nose is too big or my teeth aren’t straight enough or why does she have stretch marks on her thighs? It’s torture 🤦🏻‍♀️. Then there is baggage. Everyone has their own baggage they bring to the table. Mine typically makes guys run the opposite direction. I have heart failure. It’s A LOT to take on. It’s a lot to go through as a person. Knowing there will eventually be more surgery, that I can be completely fine and the next day everything can change. Plus I have a long list of other medical issues going on over here. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to get involved with me because of all that. Hell I don’t want to be involved with all of it.

Dating is hard enough now days as it is and you add all my baggage to it…it’s damn near impossible. Plus I’m awkward. I’m an open honest person. I’m not one to control my facial expressions. You generally know what I’m thinking by looking at my face. I always put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. So how do I date? Do I mind my own business and one day when I’m not expecting it that person stumbles into my life? Do I put myself out there? Do I listen to all this crap out there that says things like, “you’ve met your souls mate by the age of 21?” Why is this so dang difficult?!

Until I can figure it out you can find me cuddling with my dogs binge watching romantic comedies.

This is why I blog…

My life has been hectic the past few weeks. Between trying to hold myself accountable on this fitness challenge, starting a new job, traveling, and trying to rest. I have been tired and in this sort of lazy funk. I have not even bothered to try to write anything because of this funk. I am forcing myself to get back to being productive and one way is to publish another blog. I feel productive and accomplished when I put myself out there and get responses. Writing is something I thoroughly enjoy.

I have had a lot of people compliment me on my writing and blog since I started. I have also had the opposite response. Under handed comments, snide remarks and judgmental looks during conversations about my blog. I knew this would happen and I was prepared for it. However, I wanted to share with everyone the reason I started this. If it becomes a source of income and a career path for me then that would be amazing. If it doesn’t I will be okay with that too.

I believe that some things in your life should be kept private. Not everything needs to be on social media and be public knowledge. There is a lot I do not share. What I do share might be considered over sharing at times and if so…Sorry! Some people may get tired of my yearly post on the dates of my surgeries or get tired of hearing about my failing health. The one thing my health and this life has taught me is that kind words of encouragement can get you through the hardest challenges. Hearing stories from others about how they have faced similar situations and how they felt during them and their process to make it through has helped me tremendously. It’s inspiring. I know that I want to inspire, make a difference, and help others. Even if it’s one person I do this for in my whole life then I will be okay with that.

A few weeks ago I got a message request on instagram. It was from a girl named Mary who is around my age and has a congenital heart defect. She was needing a pacemaker. She was doing her research but when you research into pacemakers and defibrillators you tend to find results for more of the elderly community. It’s difficult to find information on 20 something’s getting ICDs, implantable cardiac devices. She turned to social media and was typing in hashtags. That is how she found me! I do not set my profile to private and this was one of those reasons why I do not. She came across this post…and then a few others I’ve posted. This post however was an extremely personal post. I made it mainly for myself. It was to help me realize just how far I’ve come and how much I’ve overcome. When posting it I knew it was for me but had hoped one day it would reach someone. Well it did! Mary and I exchanged stories and I answered all of her questions on my experience with getting my ICD. I also had informed her that my Aunt recently had one put in and she is only in her 40s. After we talked and she felt better about what she was facing, I realized I did exactly what I had hoped for when I posted that Instagram. I helped someone. It wasn’t in a big way but it made a difference.

The past few weeks I’ve kept up with Mary on social media and her surgery went great. She is now healing and getting used to life with a pacemaker. It is a bit of an adjustment and certain aspects of your life completely change but you eventually feel normal again. Being able to use my experience to help others is such a rewarding feeling. This is why I blog.

I blog because I want to help others. My blog isn’t always going to be about fitness challenges or trying new things. It is also going to be about those difficult things in life that people have a hard time talking about. It’s about self love, finding yourself, and getting through the hard times. I don’t want to be successful and have nice things from life. I want to make my life mean something by helping others. Putting myself out there and making someone’s life better. Making my life better and making this world a better place. That is why I started this blog. Because it makes me and my soul happy.