Suck it up, buttercup!

It’s only January 7th and I’m already seeing people discouraged about their New Years resolutions. Y’all, it has been a week. One week. One week does not define your whole year. The new year is seen as a fresh start, blank page, clean slate, whatever you want to call it. Most change does not happen in a week. Life altering changes are the ones that happen immediately. Pregnancy, getting fired, getting promoted, death, car accidents, winning the lottery, etc.. Those are the changes that are immediate. If you’re wanting to make changes this year you have to work at it EVERYDAY. Did you know it takes four weeks of doing something, consistently, for it to become a habit? My cardiologist gave me that bit of knowledge after I got my pacemaker and had to alter which ear I used to talk on my cell phone. A whole month for something to become a habit.

Instead of discouraging yourself after a week, why don’t you give yourself a break and continue trying? My new year certainly did not start the way I intended. I made some decisions that were out of character for me and I am trying to navigate my feelings toward that since it is not something that is normal for me. However, that is kind of what I wanted for this year in a really roundabout way. I ended 2018 with the intentions of taking 2019 to expand my horizons. To take chances, try new things, and to continue to better me.

2018 taught me a lot. It was a strange year and the last 8 weeks of it were incredibly difficult. I had multiple life-altering changes occur and I am bringing one of them with me into this clean slate. I have a lot of unknowns ahead of me. I will be dealing with who knows how many new diagnoses and whatever else my heart throws my way. I am going into this year fully aware this is happening and I am not getting discouraged. So why are you getting discouraged after a week?!

Continue to push through. Life gets hard and positive change does not come easy. I constantly have people telling me that I am strong, a badass, or they don’t know how I handle things. Want to know how? I refuse to give up. I continue to push through. I am still terrified to go to sleep and well, do anything for that matter. At any moment I could just flatline again, but I push through. I focus on what I can do and control. When things get tough and I get discouraged, because I do get discouraged, I think about it in the most literal way. There is nothing I can not do about what has already happened. It is what is and you have to accept it, even if you don’t want to. I can only focus on how I handle it and how I can change what I can.

I’m lucky because I got a second chance and most people do not. That is why I am embracing 2019 and growing at my own pace. I’ve set big goals for myself this year as I enter the last year of my twenties. I plan to travel as much as I can, to continue to work on my education, to move out of Destin(finally), to continue to recognize my toxic traits and work on changing them, maybe actually let another person in, and most of all to make something of this writing. I’m pretty sure my blog is awful, but all the support I get really means a lot as I push myself to improve. My biggest goal this year is to self publish my first book. I honestly don’t care if it sells. As long as I can say that I worked my ass off and accomplished it will be enough.

Your goals for this New Year aren’t going to happen with the snap of a finger. Don’t beat yourself up because you’ve already slipped up. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start over. You’ve got 51 more weeks. Take it from someone who constantly is getting knocked on their ass. I get 5 steps ahead only to be knocked back 3. It will be okay. You still have time to accomplish what matters most to you. My point here is DON’T GIVE UP AFTER ONE SET BACK!

Am I sane? Probably not…

Yesterday as I was driving to Panama City, after work for my class, I was questioning my sanity. Why on earth did I do this to myself? Why am I working full time, taking 5 classes this semester, moving next week and trying to keep myself rested? How did I think this was possible?! While stopped at a red light I picked up my phone and was mindlessly scrolling through Facebook. I came across this post made by my mother… This post made everything click.

First of all- I was adorable.

B.) My eyebrows have been crazy from day one, apparently.

3.) I am doing this because of my mom.

No, not because she wants me to do it. I am doing it because of the person she has raised me to be. She raised me to be independent, strong, unique, and true to myself.

Karen let me try new things as a child and quit the things I didn’t like. Let me be creative and imaginative without judgement. Supported me with every decision even if she didn’t agree.

Now that I am an adult, although I don’t consider myself one and I won’t until I can properly fold a fitted sheet, she continues to play an active role in my decision making process. She will voice her opinion and let me form my decisions from there. We don’t always see eye to eye. She sometimes does not understand why I do what I do, but she still helps guide me in a positive direction.

As I found myself questioning my sanity I realized why I told myself I could do this. It’s because I can do it. Getting my degree in journalism and actually doing what I enjoy for a living is my main focus. So I signed up for 5 classes because I am determined, I am smart enough and I am going to hold myself accountable. And if all else fails I know that I have my mom and family to be there with support.

I may be pushing myself and sanity to the limit, but I will accomplish this goal. It is something I need to do for me. It is something I want more than anything. I’ll drive to Panama City twice a week, I’ll sacrifice hanging out with friends and I’ll do whatever else I need in order to do this as fast as I can. All the while I’ll know that my mom will look at that picture and always think, “Damn, Madelyn is adorable. No wonder she’s my favorite!” 😂😂😂 Sorry, it’s the truth guys!

In the next few months if you don’t hear from me, please check on me and don’t take it personal. Also if you see me and I’m looking like my sanity has gone out the window, just guide me in the right direction. The right direction will be towards the wine, in case you were wondering.

Am I being passive aggressive? Oh well…

Have you ever wanted to just scream bloody murder? At the top of your lungs? As loud as you can? You have a bunch of pent-up emotion that is starting to boil over and you need an outlet? Well, I am at this point. As I drove home yesterday I could feel it coming. I knew that wall was close and I was going to hit it head on. One little push and BOOM. My push arrived in the form of a text message today. As I sit writing this it is taking everything in me not burst at the seams.

 I have spread myself rather thin lately. Constantly on the go and busy to the point of not being able to completely focus. 90 to nothing all the time. My sleep patterns are so out of whack that my insomnia is in full swing. I watched about 5 hours worth of The Office last night and devoured a whole pint of ice cream. Productive right? (That halo top mint chip though…amazing!) My coworker asked me the other day why I always looked so tired. Well thanks buddy!  Now I know I look like shit. **Insert eye roll and crying face here** I have to STOP letting myself get like to this point. I may have some constant need to please everyone. I know, I can admit it, that is the first step, right? Admitting your problems. I need to learn to say NO! I feel obligated not to let others down, to be available for any social event, to be nice all the time. I am exhausted. I am not nice all the time. I don’t want to be. Over the past few months my need for self growth has strengthened. I’ve worked hard to shake old habits. To say no and stop doing things that don’t benefit my well-being.

I know who I am. I lost myself for a while. I became the girl I hated. The one who changes herself for someone else. Who puts someone (in my case a guy), that isn’t putting you first, before yourself. I wasn’t raised to act like that person. I have a BIG personality. I was raised to be independent. Not to be small in order to convenience someone else. After many forms of rejection throughout the course of my life I changed. Some where along the way I decided it was easier to please everyone than be rejected. Easier to change who I was than to be an inconvenience. Well pardon my french but, FUCK THAT! I am DONE.

I am not doing anything that I don’t want to do any longer. I am not going to apologize for it. I am not going to feel bad if someone doesn’t approve. In the end what matters is my well-being. I have to live with myself everyday. If I want to stay home instead of go out, I won’t let anyone guilt me into leaving the house. If I want to cut my hair off, i’ll do it even if someone likes it longer. If I don’t want to give someone my number or sleep with someone just because they show me attention, I won’t. Not because I am a prude. I am no saint or prude. I wanted to be a nurse, not much about the human body bothers me. I have also legitimately shown my chest to hundreds of people. I don’t have much modesty left at this point. I am not a delicate little girl when it comes to sex and the reality it plays in our everyday lives. However, it’s because I am not some girl who needs attention. Who needs to feel wanted. LADIES, STOP SPREADING YOUR LEGS LIKE BUTTER ON TOAST for the first person who shows you attention. Do you really want attention from someone who looks at you in that light? Someone who will ghost you for not sleeping with them? Or who will ghost you after you’ve slept with them? I can tell you which scenario will make you feel better about yourself in the long run. I can tell you from experience. I have been in both of these situations. Like I said, I am not a prude. However, I have learned that if it does not benefit my well-being then it is not worth my time.

Time is so precious. Why waste it? I have wasted so much time and set myself back. I am now working my ass off to make up for that. No, I do not have my shit together. It is kind of in organized piles. It is slowly getting to where it needs to be but, there is forward movement. Baby steps, right? For example things have gone my way lately, for the most part. Not romantically but at this point I am chalking that up to a loss. I am not even going to deal with a love life currently. I keep finding myself holding my breath. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. Why? Why do I, we, feel like things can’t go our way? Life is allowed to go your way. Maybe if I keep saying it I will really believe it. Life is allowed to go my way. The only person responsible for my happiness and my decisions, is me. I am letting life work with me for a change. I am letting go of all the toxicity. I am making moves forward. I am working on a new degree. It is not easy. I will probably get defeated and in those moments I will need someone to bring wine and distract me. I am finally getting my own place after failing in a relationship and running home to my mom. I still sometimes need her to help with the deep wounds. Do we ever really grow out of that need?  I am doing things I want. I am not letting someone’s disapproval get in the way.

I want to experience so much and I have let others tell me no. I have let my health stop me. I have told myself I wasn’t good enough. Well I am good enough. I have a lot to offer, I am smart, and most of all I have a desire to learn, to grow and to try new things. So one of the first things I am doing for myself is taking my happy ass up to New York in December. I have always wanted to go see all the decor during the holiday season. To go to the museums, central park and Rockefeller center. But most of all to EAT everything I want to eat. My plane ticket is booked and I will be in New York City playing tourist with my cousin on December 1st. I am not letting myself get to the point of bursting at the seams anymore. Why, because it’s ridiculous. Also because when I over do it like this, I don’t take care of myself. Case in point…I am about to go to the ER because I am pretty positive I have pneumonia. Eh you live and you learn.

Next time you find yourself wanting to scream or throat punch someone, maybe I am just a little violent, take a step back. Is it good for your well-being to feel this way? NO! So re-analyze what is getting you to this point. Take care of yourself. Make yourself happy. Enjoy your life. Don’t let someone else make you feel bad about yourself. Most of the time it is their insecurities being reflected on to you.

Now I am finally going to respond to that text that pushed me over the edge. I am going to go to the doctor and then I am going to get mashed potatoes. Why? Because that is what I want to do.

Dating dilemmas…

How does one date exactly? The last time I was single for a long period of time was when I was 17-19 years old. See I have this thing where I believe in monogamy. Apparently that’s uncommon these days. I have spent all of my twenties in 2 very serious relationships. Now that I’ve been single for an extended period of time and I’ve gone through the healing process from heartache. I am finally feeling comfortable being alone. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I miss companionship or feel lonely, but I finally feel okay with being a single. I am comfortable with who I am and being alone. I know what I want from someone else. Getting to this point has made me realize that I am ready to date but what is dating now?

We’re living in a world where you have apps that you can make a profile to put your best pictures on and list what you consider your best attributes for others to decide if they want to give you the time of day or not. Majority of the time all that is for is to hook up. I feel like I have an old school outlook on dating because the thought of downloading tinder or going online to a dating site is the exact opposite of what I personally feel I should be doing. The whole casual sex thing is just not for me. I’m too old for all that nonsense and drama. I’m not trying to get any kind of STD. I’m not trying to get involved repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable.

So how does one date in a world where hooking up is the norm? I have watched my friends get rejected and I’ve listened to their stories of “I thought we had a good time and I haven’t heard from him.” There is this delicate balance of being available but not too available. The constant should I text them first? But you don’t want to because you don’t want to seem too needy. Why is it crazy to be interested and vocalize your interest? Why is there this game that has to be played? What happened to being open and honest about what you’re wanting? It’s exhausting 😩. If I’m paying you attention then I’m interested. Why can’t it be that simple?! Currently I can’t figure out the answer to any of these as I contemplate texting someone. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I get a little cynical when it comes to dating because of failed relationships and because of what I witness my friends go through. I think to myself, ” That is it! I’m never getting married. I’m comfortable alone and I’m going to become the crazy lady with a ton of dogs!” I lose faith in relationships because everyone seems to be so emotionally unavailable. Then my faith gets restored every time I’m around my sister and brother in law. I could not have hand picked someone better for my sister. Kyle constantly restores my faith in men and makes my cynicism fade away. I keep telling myself that there’s some one like Kyle out there for me. I’ll find a partner to compliment me in all the right ways one day. I keep getting told, “it happens when you least it expect it. Don’t go looking for it.” So I mind my own business and keep myself busy. Not actively looking for that someone. Then I have the same people telling me, “put yourself out there. Date.” Umm those statements seem to be conflicting if you ask me.

I have insecurities. I am human and I can not control it. They are there and I focus on them despite knowing I shouldn’t. Everyone has insecurities. I know majority of the time I’m the only one that notices mine but when you’re attracted to someone else, LORDDD! All I can think is “oh he’s going to think my nose is too big or my teeth aren’t straight enough or why does she have stretch marks on her thighs? It’s torture 🤦🏻‍♀️. Then there is baggage. Everyone has their own baggage they bring to the table. Mine typically makes guys run the opposite direction. I have heart failure. It’s A LOT to take on. It’s a lot to go through as a person. Knowing there will eventually be more surgery, that I can be completely fine and the next day everything can change. Plus I have a long list of other medical issues going on over here. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to get involved with me because of all that. Hell I don’t want to be involved with all of it.

Dating is hard enough now days as it is and you add all my baggage to it…it’s damn near impossible. Plus I’m awkward. I’m an open honest person. I’m not one to control my facial expressions. You generally know what I’m thinking by looking at my face. I always put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. So how do I date? Do I mind my own business and one day when I’m not expecting it that person stumbles into my life? Do I put myself out there? Do I listen to all this crap out there that says things like, “you’ve met your souls mate by the age of 21?” Why is this so dang difficult?!

Until I can figure it out you can find me cuddling with my dogs binge watching romantic comedies.

Half way point…

Hello all,

Here we are at week 4 of 8. The half way point. Sticking to eating high protein and healthy has been hard for me. I love food! I live to eat. I’m always hungry. My appetite has intensified with working out. I’ve wanted to eat everything in sight for the last 4 weeks.

This week I’m trying to meal prep again. My diet will consist of chicken burrito bowls, chicken teriyaki bowls, boiled eggs and protein pancakes! I’m trying to narrow down my recipes before making them tomorrow. I’ll share them after I decide! I will also confess that I have let myself enjoy ice cream more than I should’ve this weekend.

I’m sticking to my pure barre work outs. I have to say it is kicking my ass! Tonight I took the empower class with my girl Jordyn, Jojo, teaching and holy cow!!! I am sore already. I am taking more classes this week than the previous two weeks. Tonight, tomorrow, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday! I’m going to let Friday be my rest day for the week. Saturday I am going to do a workout myself consisting of :

50 jumping jacks

20 push ups (these are still difficult for me with the pacemaker getting in the way)

25 squats

25 sumo squats

25 crunches

30 bicycle crunches

15 Russian twists

And a 40 second plank

It’s not the most intense but it’s effective! I’m starting to notice small differences with my body and my muscles. I’m accepting the fact that I’m building muscle, but I will probably always have chicken legs. I promised some progress photos. While I can see the changes, because I look at everyday and know my body, you may not be able to see it. That’s okay because we’re just now in week 4 of 8. I can’t wait to see what becoming a little stricter with my diet and adding more routine workouts will do! While I’ve always been thin and I’m still thin with working out but, I am building muscle. I am becoming healthier and I am feeling better. I’ve lost inches and gained muscle. My scale is reading 136 and my pants are tighter in the thighs but loose in the waist. It’s all incredibly rewarding and worth the effort!

Keep an eye out for my chosen recipes tomorrow and a new song of the week on the blog!

Hustle for that muscle- Week 1

Today starts week one of the 8 week fitness challenge I have set for myself. In my previous blog, “Bikini body not ready”, I talked about body image issues and how people of every size, make and build have them. My body issues stem from being, in my opinion, too thin. I am doing this challenge and setting these goals for myself. Letting you in on my journey is a big step for me. It makes me feel vulnerable and I hate to be vulnerable.

Week one is always the hardest. You are starting new habits and creating a different schedule for yourself. Week one is going to be even harder for me because I won’t be in my normal routine. I am traveling this week to a wedding. I wanted to make sure that the workout I started out this challenge with was one I could do anywhere, so I don’t have any excuses. I also need to ease myself into getting back into shape.

My main goal is not to lose weight but rather gain muscle and tone. In order to gain muscle I need to change my diet. I soaked that in this past week and might have over indulged with Easter candy and girl scout cookies. I plan on meal prepping for the rest of this challenge but this week that isn’t going to happen. I know that I have to increase my protein intake to help with my muscle gain. Also I have to eat less of those sweet sweet thin mints. So I am going to challenge myself, while traveling, to eat the healthiest possible. I did start out today with a healthy breakfast. I also made a healthy dinner.

So here is my work out for week one:

10 Jumping Lunges

10 Burpees

10 Jump squats

20 Sit-ups

20 Mountain climbers

20 Calf raises

30 Russian twists

30 Jumping jacks

30 High Kness

and a 1 minute wall sit

Repeat x3 ( that one I will ease myself into)

Every fitness challenge needs before, during and after photos. I am going to post these photos but please excuse my messy hair, no make up and complete vulnerability.