Dating dilemmas…

How does one date exactly? The last time I was single for a long period of time was when I was 17-19 years old. See I have this thing where I believe in monogamy. Apparently that’s uncommon these days. I have spent all of my twenties in 2 very serious relationships. Now that I’ve been single for an extended period of time and I’ve gone through the healing process from heartache. I am finally feeling comfortable being alone. Don’t get me wrong I have my moments where I miss companionship or feel lonely, but I finally feel okay with being a single. I am comfortable with who I am and being alone. I know what I want from someone else. Getting to this point has made me realize that I am ready to date but what is dating now?

We’re living in a world where you have apps that you can make a profile to put your best pictures on and list what you consider your best attributes for others to decide if they want to give you the time of day or not. Majority of the time all that is for is to hook up. I feel like I have an old school outlook on dating because the thought of downloading tinder or going online to a dating site is the exact opposite of what I personally feel I should be doing. The whole casual sex thing is just not for me. I’m too old for all that nonsense and drama. I’m not trying to get any kind of STD. I’m not trying to get involved repeatedly with people who are emotionally unavailable.

So how does one date in a world where hooking up is the norm? I have watched my friends get rejected and I’ve listened to their stories of “I thought we had a good time and I haven’t heard from him.” There is this delicate balance of being available but not too available. The constant should I text them first? But you don’t want to because you don’t want to seem too needy. Why is it crazy to be interested and vocalize your interest? Why is there this game that has to be played? What happened to being open and honest about what you’re wanting? It’s exhausting 😩. If I’m paying you attention then I’m interested. Why can’t it be that simple?! Currently I can’t figure out the answer to any of these as I contemplate texting someone. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I get a little cynical when it comes to dating because of failed relationships and because of what I witness my friends go through. I think to myself, ” That is it! I’m never getting married. I’m comfortable alone and I’m going to become the crazy lady with a ton of dogs!” I lose faith in relationships because everyone seems to be so emotionally unavailable. Then my faith gets restored every time I’m around my sister and brother in law. I could not have hand picked someone better for my sister. Kyle constantly restores my faith in men and makes my cynicism fade away. I keep telling myself that there’s some one like Kyle out there for me. I’ll find a partner to compliment me in all the right ways one day. I keep getting told, “it happens when you least it expect it. Don’t go looking for it.” So I mind my own business and keep myself busy. Not actively looking for that someone. Then I have the same people telling me, “put yourself out there. Date.” Umm those statements seem to be conflicting if you ask me.

I have insecurities. I am human and I can not control it. They are there and I focus on them despite knowing I shouldn’t. Everyone has insecurities. I know majority of the time I’m the only one that notices mine but when you’re attracted to someone else, LORDDD! All I can think is “oh he’s going to think my nose is too big or my teeth aren’t straight enough or why does she have stretch marks on her thighs? It’s torture 🤦🏻‍♀️. Then there is baggage. Everyone has their own baggage they bring to the table. Mine typically makes guys run the opposite direction. I have heart failure. It’s A LOT to take on. It’s a lot to go through as a person. Knowing there will eventually be more surgery, that I can be completely fine and the next day everything can change. Plus I have a long list of other medical issues going on over here. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to get involved with me because of all that. Hell I don’t want to be involved with all of it.

Dating is hard enough now days as it is and you add all my baggage to it…it’s damn near impossible. Plus I’m awkward. I’m an open honest person. I’m not one to control my facial expressions. You generally know what I’m thinking by looking at my face. I always put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing at the wrong time. So how do I date? Do I mind my own business and one day when I’m not expecting it that person stumbles into my life? Do I put myself out there? Do I listen to all this crap out there that says things like, “you’ve met your souls mate by the age of 21?” Why is this so dang difficult?!

Until I can figure it out you can find me cuddling with my dogs binge watching romantic comedies.

Words from others…

I have found on a daily basis we as humans need to hear positive words. Sometimes I hear them in song lyrics. I read them in novels. Or I search the Internet for a quote that is fitting and every once in awhile someone tells them to us. We need these words. When we come across them they resonate with us and we apply them to what we have going on in our lives. They bring us hope, positivity, or clarity. Words from others have a huge impact on us. On our psyche.

Some times people say something that is exactly what you need to hear and sometimes they will say something that brings you down. I try to hold myself to the standard of being honest, even when people don’t want to hear it. I feel like a person can not have personal growth if they do not understand how they’re perceived by others. Honesty isn’t always nice. Majority of the time, true honesty, is not something we want to hear. It is something that we choose to ignore or we try to make excuses for. While others opinions of us should not define how we perceive ourselves, I believe we should take them into consideration when evaluating our behavior. We can be blinded by our rational for our behavior.

With all of that being said, holding myself to a certain standard is one thing but, I tend to hold others in my life to that standard as well. That is something I’m working on. Just because I’ve set a standard for someone I care for doesn’t mean they’ve set that same standard for themselves. That’s where all of these positive and negative words come in to play. Some people are not nice or honest. Some people aim to hurt. There is a difference in telling someone an ugly truth and personally attacking them. I’ve aimed to hurt before because I’ve been hurt. I’ve also delivered ugly truths in poor form. But I try to focus more on the positive. Positive words.

On our darkest of days all we need is something positive. We all have demons, we all struggle and we all our fighting our own fight. I’m working hard to overcome obstacles that have occurred due to circumstances beyond my control. I’m also trying to forge a new path for my life because of these circumstances. While I’m not where I want to be and I get defeated at times, these positive words help me get through.

Think about the words you say before they are spoken. Don’t be so quick to judge. Remember that the standards you’ve set are not the same as everyone else’s. And always check on your strong friend.